On August 16th, I noticed an internet notification that Hayden Panettiere died on August 17th at 36. I noticed that it is still August 16th when I saw the death notice of this celebrity. I realized that she must have died in either a different time zone or a different country. I wasn’t familiar with her, and I don’t think I have seen any of her movies, but her name and face looked familiar from media events and the internet.
She is very petite at 4 feet 11, but marketed as 5 feet 2 for jobs. She had an on-again, off-again relationship with her ex-boyfriend, Brian Hickerson, because he had alcohol and drug issues, and he was often arrested for domestic violence, abusing a tiny woman who had suffered through lots of other traumatic experiences. She was last seen traveling with her ex-boyfriend from Los Angeles to South Carolina. Her cause of death isn’t disclosed yet.
I am guessing that her ex-boyfriend had something to do with her death, whether accidental or intentional. She died four or five days before her birthday, as well as after she published her book about her life, domestic violence abuse, and exposing the industry. Brian Hickerson was arrested a couple of times for this domestic violence abuse, and he spent time in jail as well as received rehab. He wasn’t happy about some information she wrote about him in her book. He is from South Carolina, and he has family in that state. She was pronounced dead at the scene. Hayden Panettiere’s memoir, “This is Me: A Reckoning,” has 46 chapters and 320 pages. She sounded sad because she wanted a normal life and a normal childhood, but she had been working since she was a baby, and I think her mother sounds narcissistic. It is also sad that both Hayden and her younger brother had died young–her brother Jansen died at 28 and she died at 36.
I noticed some YouTubers were reading her memoir, “This is Me: A Reckoning” by Hayden Panettiere, on their channel. After listening to all the videos, I decided to summarize each chapter.
In her prologue, she reflects on her life, summarizing it from when she started doing commercials as a baby, which led to her celebrity status. She talks about her family and the changes in her life that have shaped her into the person she has become. She grew from various situations to overcome issues and improve herself, her health, and her life because certain people were a part of her life for a reason. It appears she wrote her book, “This is Me: A Reckoning,” in the spring of 2025 because she summarizes her celebrity life from her baby years until going on her own.
Part 1, Chapter 1, Non Sono Francese. She talks about her roots and that she is Italian. Her last name was spelled wrong, but they ended up going with the wrong spelling and pronunciation. Her grandfather, Poppa, worked for the NYPD, and he had eight kids in Brooklyn, New York. One of their kids was her father, Alan or Skip. Her mother went to college and grad school, before deciding to pursue a professional acting career. Her father became a cop with the NYPD. Her mother started acting in NYC by doing small jobs. She played Bryan Cranston’s wife in Loving. Hayden explains how her parents met before getting married. Her father later joined the NY Fire Department. He played golf in his spare time. Her mother became pregnant in 1989, and she performed Titania in Midsummer Night’s Dream on stage. Hayden was born on August 21, 1989, around the same time the play was over. Since Hayden was a happy baby, everyone encouraged Lesley to get Hayden started into modeling and commercials. Her mother didn’t think much about that, but she thought it might be a good way to earn a college trust fund for Hayden as well as have some cool baby pictures.
Chapter 2, Mornings with Michelin. By 1990, Hayden was signed with Wilhelmina Models. Her mother drove her around in the family car, a Volvo, to modeling auditions. She didn’t get the Michelin commercial. But she later got the Playskool commercial. Fifteen percent of the amount Hayden made in her commercials went to a trust fund that she couldn’t touch until she turned eighteen years old. Hayden attributes her baby modeling career to the reason that she never cried and she was an easygoing baby. It appears that her mother was more of a business-oriented workaholic, while her father was more laid-back and playful. Her father also started his new business, J&H Wood Flooring, with his partner, as well as working at the firehouse. Hayden guessed that her mother was pregnant before her mother knew she was pregnant.
Chapter 3, Stage Fright and Howard Stern. By the time Hayden was five years old, she had done about fifty commercials. When she was four, she had her first crush on a boy whom she met at a Chex commercial. Hayden was fired from this commercial because she was eating the Chex cereal while flirting with the boy at the same commercial. She started auditioning for television shows. As Hayden grew up, she became a tomboy, preferring to wear pants and sweatshirts than girlie clothing. She sometimes became nervous with stage fright during auditions and commercials, which sometimes affected her performance.
But she tried to work it out and do her best because she was a professional performer. At a Kodak audition, she met a cute boy, who was even cuter than the boy from the Chex commercial. When it was her turn to say her lines, she couldn’t talk. She just froze, like she was paralyzed, as she looked at the boy’s face. It appears that she didn’t get the job because she wasn’t able to say her lines in the audition. She was four, and she still used a stroller.
Chapter 4, Taking Beats. Jansen was born on September 25, 1994. During 1994, Hayden received a soap opera role on One Life to Live. Her mom was also a soap opera actress. At five years old, she learned how to memorize her lines and cram her lines, before going on the set. She felt she didn’t fit in with other kids at school, as well as at her gymnastics and swimming classes. Around other kids, she was like a kid who acts older and more mature for her age, while at work, she was still a kid who acted like an adult.
Chapter 5, Trigger Tears. Around eight years old, she got a role on Guiding Light, another soap opera. Her mother coached her for her acting career, teaching her what she needed to do, such as crying on demand for a scene. This crying on demand method helped grow her soap opera career because the producer immediately signed up Hayden as a regular character during the start of the next season.
Around this time, she was losing her baby teeth. In acting jobs, they fit it in because it is a part of childhood. But in commercials, losing a tooth could mean losing a job. Her mother took her to the dentist to create a retainer with a fake tooth to fill in the gap of the missing tooth. She also had to use Fixodent. At nine years old, her mother took her to Chicago for commercial jobs. Her mother also used superglue to glue the missing tooth to the retainer. The retainer gave Hayden a lisp. But she worked it in her commercials and got her jobs.
Chapter 6, Little House on the Hudson. The Panettiere family decided to move to a new house in Snedens Landing, ten miles south. The parents had been building it together, and the neighborhood was filled with artists and actors. But they moved into a small guest cottage until the house was finished. In the winter of 1996, there was a blizzard, and they had to temporarily stop building the house. Her father always turned situations into a fun adventure to entertain his children. It sounds like she looked up to her father as her hero and role model.
They finally moved into their new home, which looked similar to the old house, but it looked more like a fairy-tale house. She often walked to the nearby woods for fun, and she loved the area because it was for artists and unconventional people. She related with the people in that neighborhood because they were similar. Hayden enjoyed her friend Madison’s house because they had many animals, and Hayden loved being around animals. Bill Murray was Madison’s neighbor. Other neighbors included Angelina Jolie’s French mother and her two kids. Her brother Jansen was a sensitive child with night terrors, and he used to sleep with his parents in the same room, as well as often clinging to his mother’s leg when she had to leave with his father. But he was so likeable, sweet, and gentle that he got along well with other people. When he was at home, he was usually naked or in his white underwear.
When they got a new neighbor, Lesley told her kids to take a housewarming potted plant to that house, which belonged to Bjork. She invited them inside to join her party and meet her son, who was a little bit older than Hayden and Jansen. She thought the people inside the house looked eccentric with strange styles and accessories, even though Bjork seemed friendly and nice. They welcomed their new neighbors to Snedens Landing before returning home.
Chapter 7, Girls. When she went shopping with her mother, her mother encouraged her to wear more pink, as well as dresses and girlie outfits. But Hayden preferred boys’ clothes—jeans, t-shirts, and baseball caps.
She soon realized that she was also physically attracted to girls to be more than just friends. Even though she was attracted to boys when she was four and five, she was now more interested in girls. I think it was because she didn’t have a mother-daughter bond. Her mother was more professional with her, more like a manager than a mother, and Hayden started gravitating towards other females for emotional support that she didn’t receive from her mother.
While inside her room, Hayden and her friend decided to experiment together, touching each other, until the door opened and it was her father. He just froze in shock and laughed before closing the door and leaving. As she got older, she accepted herself, and she wanted to live her truth, of who she really is, because she was more confident and she trusted herself. She realized she needed to be honest about her experiences for her own mental health in order to help herself move on with her life.
Chapter 8, Seven Freckles and Five Band-Aids. When she was seven, she did voiceovers in animated films—Pixar’s A Bug’s Life, where she voiced Princess Dot. She had to work with the animators to get into the character—vocalization and mouth movements to fit the scripted dialogue. But she learned to act by herself, without other actors to react to in scenes. She was by herself, saying her lines to deliver it in a certain way that matched the animated scene. It helped her work with emotions. At the end of the project, the crew gave her a gift—the original, handmade clay model of Princess Dot. Then, her agent wanted Hayden to audition for Jerry Bruckheimer’s film, Remember the Titans.
But Hayden didn’t get the audition because she didn’t look like a tomboy. The agent pressured the casting director until the casting director accepted. Hayden and her mother flew to Los Angeles to read the script. Her mother bought a bottle of Sun In to bleach Hayden’s dark-roots blonde while swimming in the pool, under the summer’s bright sunrays. Her mother sprayed Jansen’s mullet with the Sun In as well, to make him look like a boy-band performer. But for Hayden, her roots were bleached to a different shade of blonde than the rest of her hair. While swimming, she hurt her knuckles. Her mother dressed her in boys’ clothes to match the band-aids on her knuckles, which helped her excel in the audition and get the role because she looked like the tomboy character that they wanted to hire for the role.
Chapter 9 is Remember the Titans. She explains her experiences working in that film. Denzel Washington was also in this film. Chapter 10 is Panic. She left her job on the soap opera, Guiding Light. She started auditioning for movies, such as Panic Room, for which she didn’t get the role with Nicole Kidman. Nicole injured her leg while filming Moulin Rouge, and she didn’t do the film. Jodie Foster was hired instead, and the producers felt that Hayden didn’t look like Jodie. They hired Kristen Stewart for the role of Jodie’s diabetic daughter because Hayden’s mother refused to cut Hayden’s hair to a short bob. I have seen the film on the indie channel.
Chapter 11, Never Forget, is about September 11 and living in New York City. Since her father was the captain of the NY fire department, she often spent time at the firehouse. Chapter 12 is Hayden in the Middle. She got a small role in the sitcom Malcolm in the Middle. She talks about her manager-mother creating problems for her on the set, often embarrassing her, like asking Hayden to introduce her to Bryan Cranston because they had worked together on the soap opera, Loving. Her mother flirted with Bryan to help Hayden get the role of the babysitter.
Chapter 13, Africa, is the last chapter in Part One of her memoir. Hayden often reiterated in her book that she was an animal lover and animal activist. The kids at school often bullied her and played pranks because they felt she got special treatment as a celebrity. Hence, she had few friends. She auditioned for a movie role in Africa. She started being homeschooled during middle school. She hated school anyway, and she preferred acting. She got a back injuring while filming in South Africa, but she didn’t complain and she tolerated the pain, in order to be professional.
Part Two of the memoir starts with Chapter 14, A Family Divided. When she was sixteen, she went to Florida with her mother to visit her aunt. She overhears her mother state that her father is having an affair with another woman, who has two children. It appears that Hayden’s mother is a drama queen, and she often drains and taxes Hayden’s energy, which stresses her out. In Chapter 15, A Hero is Born, she forgave her father and started talking to him again. She auditioned for a role in Heroes, and it was another cheerleader role. They hired her on the spot. The whole family moved to Los Angeles.
Her father shut down his business to train to be a golf professional. Her parents decided to stay together, even though there was tension between them. She had made new friends in New York City. Chapter 16, Welcome to LA, is about her new life in Los Angeles during 2006. She bought a condo in LA for her family, which also included two cats and one dog. Jansen was doing backflips in his bedroom, which is above Hayden’s bedroom. He also plays loud music. It appears she does her own stunts, but she also had a stunt double for the very dangerous stunts. She bonded with her castmates. Performing on Heroes appeared to help “set her free.”
In Chapters 17 to 25, Hayden decided to go on her own and live her own life. She met Diana Jenkins and Stella McAmis, who introduced her to Yacht parties as well as famous people at these parties. She started her romance with Wlad. So far, it is an interesting book about a young actress whom I wasn’t familiar with. But it looks like she lived the wild Hollywood life, filled with parties, drugs, alcohol, and toxic people.
It appears that whoever Hayden trusted or thought was her friend ended up using her in some way for their own benefit. Chapter 20 is about the Room 23. It is also the time when Hayden decided to go on her own, without her mother managing and controlling her every step. She bought her own house, while her family lived in her condo. She met Diana Jenkins, who sounds just as controlling as her mother, but Diana seemed more glamorous and exciting for Hayden. Diana acted like Hayden’s new toxic manager.
Chapter 26, A Different World, is about meeting Wlad’s family, which included his brother Vitali, his wife and kids. His brother is involved in Ukrainian politics. She clicks with Vitali’s wife, Natalia, and they chat together, while the men drink shots and make toasts. Chapter 27, Scream 4, is about Heroes ending and Hayden moving on to other jobs. She was casted in Wes Craven’s Scream 4 movie, which is a teenage horror movie. She played Kirby Reed, with Emma Roberts, who played her best friend. Rory Culkin was also in the movie, and Hayden had been friends with him since they were kids. During July 4th, Wlad flew Hayden and her friends to Hollywood, Florida. Neve Campbell rented a property, which Hayden describes as ‘glamping’ and she had fun trying out “‘shrooms” with her friends. David Arquette later joined them, mostly talking about his latest movie that he directed. Wlad held a birthday party for Hayden during production, which was on August 21st, inside a whole building for a private party. Although she was in love with Wlad, she felt they had communication or language issues because he was always speaking in Ukrainian on the phone for business, which made her feel lost and confused. She appears to be wanting to be a part of his world, but it was hard for her to get into his world because of the language barrier as well as he had that stoic ‘resting bitch face.’
Chapter 28, Knockout, is about her seventeen-year-old brother Jansen struggling with his life between private school, their parents’ divorce, and trying to start his creative career. He continued to audition for acting roles and voiceover work. Her father had stopped being a golf professional. So, when Hayden invited her father and Jansen to come with her to Frankfurt, Germany to watch Wlad fight, he accepted the offer. They had first-row seats. She continued to feel lost around Wlad’s friends because she doesn’t understand Ukrainian. But she remembered Vitali had said that Ukrainian men don’t like drunk women. Wlad won the fight, and he continued to be the world heavyweight champion.
After the fight, she felt that she was finally a part of his inner circle. In Chapter 29, Nashville, Hayden and Wlad had broken up because it was hard to maintain a long-distance relationship. When she was at a bar in Ireland, she asked the bartender if she could watch the fight between Wlad and David Haye. She started dating football player Scotty McKnight, who was drafted to the New York Jets. She was still happy that Wlad won the fight with David. In March 2012, she was hired for the Nashville role, Juliette Barnes, and she worked with Callie Khouri. She went though panic attacks and stage fright because she wasn’t experienced at singing, and she was a perfectionist. When Nashville became a hit, 23-year-old Hayden rented a house in Nashville, and her best friend, Allie, moved in with her because Allie was her emotional support and assistant.
Chapter 30, Off to a Rocky Start, is about her experience working on the series, Nashville. The cast and crew weren’t like a close-knit family like Heroes, as well as her experience in Los Angeles. After work, everyone went home to their family, and Hayden felt lonely. She was happy that she, at least, had her best friend, Allie, with her in Nashville. Sometimes, Jonathan Jackson, invited Hayden to his home with his wife and kids, and she stayed their overnight so she didn’t have to drive twenty miles back to her rented house. Allie made many single friends at Nashville. Since Hayden had broken up with Scotty McKnight, she partied with Allie and her new friends. There were lots of drinking parties. She noticed that the writers would change the script the next day, and such changes in the script continued. She soon realized that the writers were writing the script, based on her life. In Chapter 31, Take Two, Hayden was nominated for the 2013 Golden Globes, for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama.
But she didn’t feel comfortable at these award shows because she felt that she didn’t fit in with the other celebrities. Wlad and Hayden were now back together, often chatting on Skype. She had fun traveling with Wlad to Germany, Venice, Adriatic cruise, and Croatia. During the summer of 2013, she was in Croatia with Wlad, and he surprised her with a pirate-ship vacation trip. After docking at Hamburg, they met up with Vitali and Natalia. Hayden drank to relax, and she often told jokes to make Wlad and his friends laugh. She later went with Natalia, up to their private apartment, where Natalia offered her whiskey. Natalia liked Hayden because Hayden often spoken her mind.
Chapter 32, The Missing Piece. As Hayden continued to work in Nashville, her and Allie started moving in different directions. Hayden was always tired from work, and she started making new friends. Allie met a new boyfriend, became engaged, and got married. She didn’t see Allie for around a year. She was afraid of losing Wlad, like she lost her best friend Allie. So, she convinced him to propose marriage and be more committed. Her parents were still not divorced, even though they were still working on the divorce. Wlad proposed to Hayden on Skype, but he seemed insecure.
Hayden accepted the marriage proposal. There marriage date was for December 31, 2013 in Bali. I notice that this date, 12.31.13 has dark-cult symbolism. Hayden designed her own ring. Her wedding dress was going to be designed by Marchesa’s Georgina Chapman. Wlad planned to wear an Armani suit. After they announced their wedding engagement to the press, Hayden did a photoshoot for the Spring 2014 cover of Brides magazine. Hayden and Wlad went on a boat vacation with two friends. The couple were married, and they both seemed very present, spending their time together. Hayden was frustrated with Wlad because he was a workaholic, and he was always on his phone doing business. She wanted to spend more time with him, like their friends. During lunch, Wlad told her that he wasn’t ready to get married. But when he took her to the airport to fly back to Nashville, he changed his mind again and he wanted to get married. Hayden told him that she wasn’t interested in marrying him anymore.
Part 3, Chapter 33, Potted Plants and Pregnancy Tests. Hayden started seeing Wlad again because she forgave him for postponing the wedding. She had been making up with Wlad via lots of sex. When friends made comments, she decided to take a pregnancy test. After a couple of months, Wlad and Hayden were preparing their home for the baby. Wlad seemed excited, and he couldn’t wait. Wlad and Hayden had bought a house in the Green Hills section of Nashville. They had a Black Ops security guard living with them in the house, above the garage. Meanwhile, Vitali became the mayor of Kyiv. They worked on their house, decorating it, buying furniture, and making it baby-safe. But they never talked about the wedding. She invited some friends over for a pool party during a hot spring day, and Allie was one of these friends. In Chapter 34, Close Call, Hayden’s body became very big during her pregnancy, and the Nashville writers worked her pregnancy into the story’s plot. Hayden decided to name her daughter, Kaya, after her friend Lisa’s Pitbull because she loved that name. Her new best friend, Lanie, was working on a Halloween-themed baby shower in Miami.
Her gynecologist told her that she needs some radiology tests because something felt off. Chapter 35, Hawaii, is about the test results. The doctor told her that the tests confirmed that Kaya’s bones weren’t growing. Hayden wanted to take a vacation in Hawaii after her baby shower, and she went to Hawaii with her best friend, Lanie. They went to a radiologist, and they were told that Kaya’s arms and legs appeared to be growing. But now it was her head that wasn’t growing. She appeared to have microcephaly. They went to another doctor, on another island, fearing Kaya might be born with a cognitive disability. Wlad told her about a Russian superstitious ritual for good luck, but she didn’t have time to find a tree.
But at the doctor’s office, she spotted a small potted tree. She went to that tree, held it, and said her prayer to God, thanking Him for everyone in her life, and praying for her baby’s health. A few weeks later, Hayden is at the hospital, getting ready to give birth to Kaya. She is happy that her baby appears to be healthy and normal. She was having a hard time pushing the baby out, and they decided to do a C-section. Wlad was with her at the hospital.
Chapter 36, No Recovery. After Kaya was born, Hayden had to have a three-hour surgery so the bleeding would stop. She also went through seven transfusions, she had a fever, her uterus was infected, and the antibiotics weren’t helping. When she saw her baby in her hospital room, she felt nothing, even though she thought Kaya was a beautiful baby, and she needed to bond with her baby because of postpartum. But she felt empty, numb, and dead inside, and she couldn’t feel much.
Chapter 37, Back to Work. She went to a facility to get help, and she was diagnosed with postpartum depression. But she was in denial. She was given prescription medication to help her cope with her issues, and they were addictive. They helped her sleep, but she slept too much. She became dependent on these medications. She went back to work at the Nashville set, and the writers wrote in her script that her character had similar issues as Hayden so that they could productively work with her on the set. But when she took a nap, and they couldn’t wake her up, she ended up in the hospital. She was released soon after.
Chapter 38, Falling Apart. Treatment wasn’t helping much. The writers temporarily took her off their script so that she could recover, and Neutrogena cancelled her contract. She felt that her relationship with Wlad was falling apart, as well, because of the distance. He was mostly in Europe and she was in Nashville. She needed him with her. Kaya eventually got a Ukrainian passport, enabling her to travel with Wlad. She met with Wlad at a hotel lobby, and he gave her a stack of papers to sign so he can have full custody of Kaya.
Chapter 39, In an Instant. She argued with him because she didn’t want to sign the papers. But she ended up signing it because of her postpartum depression. She wanted to fight Wlad for Kaya, but it might negatively affect Kaya. Wlad kept Kaya with him in Ukraine.
Chapter 40, A Kindred Spirit. In April 2018, Nashville filmed its last episode. There was a big wrap party in the downtown area before they went to the after-party at midnight. Hayden didn’t attend. She decided to move back to Los Angeles. She contacted a Nashville real estate broker to sell her house. Her brother, Jansen, invited her to join him at the Abbey, a West Hollywood LGBTQ+ bar and restaurant, and when she met him there, a guy caught her attention. She liked his energy, as well as Brian Hickerson’s all-American look and his southern accent. Brian made her feel good, or at least fill a void in her life, because she was now alone.
They spend a lot of time together, and she started feeling good about herself because she had someone. She needed that someone to be with her, and Brian showed up at the time when she needed someone. They bonded together. He moved in with her, often hanging out together and playing games, and he also became her handyman, fixing things in the house. She fell in love with Brian because he was easy to be with and he made her laugh. But after drinking their second bottle of wine, their relationship suddenly changed.
Chapter 41, Witness. She experienced seven years of mental illness, rage, addiction, abuse, and pain. After drinking, they used to chat until she said something he didn’t like, and he slapped her before walking away. Eventually, he started hitting her, becoming violent and aggressive.
She had bruises all over her body, but she fought him off, ran out to her car, and hid inside her car. She suddenly heard sirens. Someone had called 911. Brian was booked for felony domestic assault, but he pleaded not guilty. He was given a restraining order. Hayden still loved him, and she believed that he could change because it was the alcohol or spirits making him act that way. The charges were dropped around four months later.
Chapter 42, All It Takes is One Second. In 2020, Hayden and Brian went on a trip to Jackson, Wyoming for Valentine’s Day, where they rented a house in a gated community and relaxed inside. It is sad that she would rather be abused than be alone. She felt better when she was in a relationship, even if the relationship was toxic. Even though Jansen liked Brian, he felt that Brian and Hayden were toxic together. The abuse continued when they went out for dinner and they became drunk at the bar. Hayden wanted to dance afterwards. When they arrived home at two in the morning, their playful banter suddenly turned hateful and nasty. They were both drunk. He ran out the door.
She was alone inside the house, considering locking him out but she still loved him. Suddenly the police appeared at her door. Someone had called the police. She invited the police inside, and she told the police everything. She later looked out the window to see Brian being handcuffed and taken to the police station. He was booked at a local jail for domestic battery and interfering with a police officer. But he was released on $5000 bond. When they returned to LA, Hayden didn’t want anything to do with Brian. A year and a half of a toxic relationship was enough for her. By March, Hayden told the police everything about Brian. The police started investigating this violent relationship. Even though Brian pleaded no contest, Hayden wanted to make sure that he would be found guilty. She still loved Brian because she fell in love with his good side. But she wanted to help him get the help he needed.
On July 16, 2020, LA police arrested Brian. He was charged with four domestic assault felonies, one misdemeanor count of battery, two felony counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and a felony count of dissuading a witness from prosecuting a crime. And this witness was Hayden. His bail was set at $320,000, which is higher than for rapists. Hayden went to rehab for treatment because she wanted to turn her life around and get help for her addictions and mental health issues.
Chapter 43, The Fuck-Its. She was in rehab treatment for eight months. She started to slowly heal because her body was now adjusting to the lack of alcohol. She started feeling happy again because she was finally in control of her life and she got her life back. She participated in the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous during her treatment. Brian was sentenced to 45 days in prison, four years of probation, fines, and mandatory domestic violence classes. After serving his time, he was living in his own apartment with their French bulldog, Cora. Hayden missed Cora. The lawyer told her that Cora is in the hospital for a broken back, but she was healing. Hayden decided to forgive Brian so that she could move on.
Chapter 44, Mending Fences. She finished her treatment in 2021, feeling clear-headed and better than ever. Kaya turned six years old, and she spoke five languages. Hayden often chatted with Kaya on FaceTime. Right before Hayden was planning on going to Florida to see her mother and Jansen at her aunt’s house, her mother called her to tell her that Jansen is fighting with her. Hayden called back to talk to Jansen, before deciding not to go to Florida and be in the middle of family chaos. When she called her mother to tell her that she wasn’t going to Florida, her mother seemed understanding, calm, and in control. But the family was worried about Jansen. He moved to New York to live with his father. But he still hung around with the same crowd. He often smoked crack and marijuana, as well as doing heroine. Hayden later called her father because she was worried about Jansen.
Chapter 45, My Heart and Soul. Jansen had his own apartment, a couple of miles from his father and his second wife. Hayden had pleaded with her father to get Jansen tested and give him the help that he needed. Her father tried, but Jansen didn’t cooperate. In 2023, she got a role in a Scream movie because Kirby Reed wasn’t killed off in the other Scream movies, and she enjoyed working again. On February 20th, her father called her to tell her that Jansen had died last night. He asked Hayden to tell her mother about Jansen. Her mother was enjoying herself in Venice Beach when she answered the phone and heard the bad news. But her mother seemed numb and cold, and she just ended the conversation because she didn’t want to deal with Jansen’s death. Hayden stayed in bed during the whole day.
Chapter 46, Grateful. She packs her suitcases to move to New York and live with her father for a while. There are some photographs of her family in this chapter. Her final thought is about her ‘radical acceptance’ to remain in the present moment and accept everything for what it is. This book has five different parts.
